Everywhere you get information about motherhood, there’s talk about how great breastfeeding is for the first year of the child’s life. When breastfeeding presented as a challenge, but I knew I wanted to keep trying, my goal was to make it to that one year mark. When things were not going well and I was experiencing pain every single feed, sometimes I couldn’t even fathom getting to one year. There were days I was so uncomfortable that I would count down the time and, despite how much I loved my child, I would be so ready for her to be done eating. With that mentality, how could I possibly imagine getting to one year of nursing? I could barely make it through 15-30 minutes. 

In the meantime I’d chatted with people who nursed their children well beyond one year, or I would see instagram posts about people nursing their child until age three. It was like there was something magical going on with others and I was not a cardholding member. Instead, I continued telling myself that I just needed to get to one year, that was my goal. When people asked me when I was going to stop nursing, it was always that there was going to be a hard cutoff at that first birthday. No way was I doing 366 days. 

Then, things started getting slightly better. The pain subsided a bit, the spasm management was under control, I was learning, my daughter was learning, and I was no longer counting down time. I still thought I would stop at that one year point, but somewhere along the way my mind changed. No longer was I in this pain management get through it mentality, but instead was in this gooey emotional state of my daughter starting to become really aware while nursing. No longer was she closing her eyes and milking me for all she was worth, but instead she was resting her hand on my chest or stroking my face, even sometimes covering her hand with my mouth to tell me “shush”. She would be looking up at me with wide eyes, studying every feature of my face. She would touch my nose, start to rub my hair, and her breathing and sucking were a rhythmical state of zen that I didn’t know I would love so much. 

As time progressed ever further, I became her place of calm and co-regulation. There wasn’t a problem that couldn’t be solved with nursing. Eventually she also moved into some playtime while nursing. She was learning acrobatics and testing the limits of both of our bodies. She was learning all about how blowing raspberries with a mouth full of milk would entice a full body giggle session. She was learning how to stroke my side with those tiny little hands and found holding a muffin top was a super fun thing to do. Eventually, everything became not just manageable, but enjoyable. 

Suddenly I became horrified at cutting her off cold turkey at the first birthday; that mindset no longer worked for us. My mentality started moving away from getting to that one year mark, to letting her take the reins and see where we would go. Now I find myself in this place where I’m nursing a 1.5 year old and have no plans to stop until she decides she’s done. For us, the breastfeeding journey continues and I’m excited to see where it takes us.