I will be the first person to tell you that I have not slept more than fours hours at a stretch since I can’t even remember when. I will also be the first person to tell you how hard that is, how emotionally draining it can be, and that some times I’m annoyed at any and everything because I just need a good nights sleep. However, I’m not concerned. 

I’m not concerned, because I know that a good nights sleep will eventually come. I’m not concerned, because I’m meeting my child’s needs at this crucial developmental age. I’m not concerned, because I’m someone who can handle lack of sleep (albeit, not well sometimes). I’m not concerned, because I know eventually my child will not need me, or want me, in the middle of the night. I’m also not concerned, because I have an amazing child who loves comfort and connection any time day or night. 

What I do get concerned about is my stress level of not being able to talk about my child’s sleep, or being able to complain because sometimes that’s just what parents want to do. What is draining is everyone wanting to problem solve my child’s sleep, even when I don’t ask for advice. What is draining is hearing that my child wakes up because she is still nursing, and until I stop I won’t get any rest. What is draining is hearing people tell me how to make my child stop nursing at night, or why I should be working on weaning, or how I need to leave her to cry. And I could go on. 

What this leaves me with is not wanting to talk about sleep, ever. In fact, the sheer thought of someone asking me how my child sleeps gives me a sense of anxiety that makes me start sweating and instantly wants to shut down. Talking about sleep leaves me with a sense of urgency to quickly think of ways to defend myself. It’s this area of parenthood that I can’t complain about just to get it off my chest because the answer (which I’m not even asking for) is always “Well, it’s because you nurse at night.” 

I absolutely know that nursing at night and choosing to nurse anytime my child is frustrated means that she is used to it and seeks it, without concern for time of day. I count myself a fairly intelligent person who can put two pieces of the puzzle together so I see the correlation. However, nursing to sleep, nursing in the middle of the night, etc. is an incredibly powerful tool that I have in my parent toolkit. There’s no more superhero like feeling than being able to instantly calm and comfort my child with nursing. Am I tired? Yes. Do I want a good nights sleep? Yes. Am I ready to transition her off night nursing? Not yet. The time will come, and I know it’s getting close, but instinctually it doesn’t feel like the right time. 

So for now I’ll continue to be woken up too many times. For now I’ll continue to sleep in broken blocks of time. For now I’ll continue to practice positive mindset when I feel like I want to crumble. For now I’ll continue as is because nursing at night feels like the right thing to do.