Lately, I have been reflecting a lot on motherhood. One of the most defining parts of my experience has been the journey to nursing success. My daughter and I are now nearing year three of nursing. I’ve been thinking about the trials and tribulations it took to get there, but also about the end that will be coming. Some days I feel more than ready for the nursing process to stop, but other days I relish in the sweet moments of mother and daughter tied together through this bond.

The amount of time we spend nursing is really limited, but it’s still part of the routine. Each night while we lay in bed together I ask my daughter if she wants me skip mommy milk and just snuggle together while she falls asleep, and the answer is always, “No. Want mommy milk.” Mommy milk is so much more than just mommy milk. Mommy milk is spending time together, and in those moments it’s just us. In those moments, the world slows down. We talk about our day. We snuggle together. We relish in the calm before sleep sets in.

Sometimes before we begin mommy milk, or after, I’ll ask her if she ever thinks about a time we don’t do mommy milk. The answer is always a simple, “No.” Other evenings I’ll talk to her, as I’m holding her close, and I’ll mention how our time with mommy milk will end, but when it does it will be ok. I’ll let her know that even when it ends we can still snuggle together and talk about her day, I’ll answer her questions and I’ll tell stories while she falls asleep. Those moments never get a response, but I can tell the wheels are turning as she’s trying to imagine that scenario. 

I regularly wonder if the journey will come to end when I decide, when she decides, or if it’ll just slowly fizzle through mutual understanding. I wonder if the end will bring me to quiet tears that I’ll shed as I spend time alone thinking about how fast she’s growing, or if the process will be so natural over time that one day we’ll realize it has already been over for some time. 

Regardless of how it ends, I do know it will stop. I also know at the end of the process I’ll not only be able to reflect on how nursing literally changed me, but every day I will see a visual representation of willpower, determination, and tenacity in the most beautiful soul to walk the earth.